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ED - The Demon "Giver"

10/11/2015

18 Comments

 
by Ann Contrucci, M.D.
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Kind of strange to say that ED, “eating disorder”, can give anyone anything…Well I will share what anorexia, what ED, has “given” my daughter for the past 5 years. ED has given her orthostatic hypotension and tachycardia that may never go away due to her heart muscle wasting from malnutrition. ED has given her osteopenia, a loss of calcium in all the bones of her body, and sets her up for early osteoporosis.  ED has given her cognitive problems and a near psychotic state when she is at the height of her malnutrition. ED has given her kidney stones and electrolyte disturbances. It has given her gastrointestinal issues with slowed digestion and malabsorption of vital nutrients. ED has given her a delay in her puberty and reproductive maturity, potentially giving her the inability to have children. It has given her a loss of friends and a loss of any “normal” teenage experiences.  ED has given her a locked unit to sleep in instead of sleepovers at friends’ houses. ED has given her a rigid daily schedule instead of burgeoning independence. It has given her group therapy instead of group dates. It has given her a lying manipulative voice telling her she is worthless, stupid, ugly, fat.. ED has given her a vacant stare where once gorgeous deep brown eyes were. It has given her thoughts of suicide. And most of all, ED has given my daughter a life that no one in their worst nightmare would ever or could ever dream for their child.

What has ED “given” me, her mother? ED has given me a state of 24/7 grief for my child and the HELL she experiences every single day of her life. ED has given me a self- doubt that I could have done something different to prevent this or could have recognized it earlier. For God’s sake, I am a pediatrician! I fix and heal children! And never have I seen a disease this horrific. ED has given me a black hole of hopelessness and helplessness at times that I feel I will never escape. ED has given me a sense of fear and terror that nearly has paralyzed me. ED has given me sleepless nights wondering if I will get a call from the treatment facility saying she hasn’t awakened from sleep. ED has given me more tears and sadness than I thought was possible. ED has given me an anger I have never known, swallowing my whole being up at times as I think of where my precious daughter has gone.

What has ED “given” her twin brother? ED has given him a sense of loss that no 17 year old should have to experience. It has given him a loneliness of being ripped away from the one human being he has been with since the moment of conception. It has given him a sense of anger and confusion that he simply cannot put into words. It has given him a sense of guilt he cannot do anything to help her.

Look at all the “giving “ED has done.

Through this hell we have been traveling in, I have realized there is something left…and that is hope and resolve…and one more day…
          
I will continue this fight with every ounce of energy, effort, and strength that I have. I will NOT let ED win.
          
I WILL get my daughter back…she is a fighter and the bravest soul I know fighting this undisputed demon.
          
Do you hear me, ED?
 
I WILL MARCH BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER. YOU WILL NOT WIN. SHE WILL RETURN…

FUED!

#MarchAgainstED
with me October 27, 2015. Register NOW! www.MarchAgainstED.com


18 Comments
kathy mascioli
10/11/2015 01:31:24 pm

Ann, not sure what to say. I cry for your sadness, knowing one day we will all cry because of your happiness !!!♡♡♡♡♡

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Becky Henry link
10/11/2015 01:35:21 pm

Very well said Ann. This is heart wrenching.

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Roxanne link
10/11/2015 01:42:19 pm

Thank you so much Finally someone understands what we go through watching our babies slowly die. You made me realize that everything we go through everything our children losee everything taken away is understood only by us who suffer through it. Unfortunately we lost the battle, although ed didn't win my girl wasn't going back in the hospital or making us sit one more day watching her die. 7 years of battle is a long time. I prepared myself for so long to find her dear I just never taught myself to live without her. Thank you again for putting words to our feelings. Shelbys spirit lives on at the march and through every person we encourage to get help.

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Alyson Earnest
10/11/2015 02:42:20 pm

Why is it that the parents of our suffering children are so incredibly articulate in expressing the realities of this horrific, seemingly endless, excruciating disease?! I'm so sorry Ann, for your family and their suffering. Especially the suffering of your daughter! And yes......HOPE is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing this and being one more voice to speak up to break the stigma of mental illness. Praying for a renewed strength to fight for your girl until she can fight for herself.

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Verushcka Moya
10/11/2015 03:01:40 pm

Ann, I had no idea your family was going through this. What courage it takes to be the voice for your daughter. You are such an inspiration to so many of us and I have an even greater respect for you as a mother and friend. HOPE and faith and taking life one day at a time...fighting for all that is right and one day seeing ED eradicated from this earth. Stay strong beautiful lady. You truly are an angel placed on earth for your daughter and for so many of the children/families you have touched and will continue to touch. Xoxo

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Sissy inglesby
10/11/2015 03:46:02 pm

By dear friend, I will pray for your beautiful daughter, I will pray non-stop. God Bless you all......

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Martee Rodi
10/11/2015 05:38:41 pm

I'm in Decatut GA and we are going to DC to march, too. Hope to see you there. Peace. So sorry that this is our reality.

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Martin Coles
10/12/2015 05:34:12 am

thank you for sharing this, Ann. Your strength and resilience are remarkable and inspiring.

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Lisa Laniewski
10/12/2015 08:28:46 am

My husband and I wept as we read these eloquent words of yours. They so fittingly depicted the 10-year struggle my daughter (and our family) had with ED. Thank you for having the courage to tell it like it is. Wishing recovery for all of you.

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Deanna Smith Cook
10/12/2015 08:36:39 am

Love, Prayers & Healing. I may not be with you in DC when you March however I am there with you in Spirit walking along side of you. XO

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Rebecca
10/13/2015 11:46:30 am

Your daughter lives today because you are her mother. Your strength and your spirit and your fortitude carry her on the long journey to her future. Love you, Rebecca

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Kristen Dutra
10/13/2015 04:05:05 pm

Ann, my heart hurts for you. Even though I knew some of these terrible things were taking over Julianna's body, I still cried reading through your writings. I pray for you all almost nightly. I also pray for you to see glimmers of hope between visits & phone calls. I WILL be an advocate to bring awareness to this ugly disease! I want to do more. And we all need Julianna to move to a healthier state of life!
Lots of love to you & her both.

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Angelia Day
10/15/2015 02:34:02 pm

I love you sister your one hell of a warrior mama!!! Ed were gunning for you zero dark 30 it's on 👍

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Ed Tyson link
10/21/2015 07:05:36 pm

Ann (and others who suffer so), In spite of the pain all of your family suffered, keep your claws dug in as you have done so far and don't let go...and it will be alright. It is hard to see at this point, but it will. ED is a parasite, and one cannot co-exist with a parasite--it has to be wiped out totally, as you know. No compromise. Not ever. But that requires tenacious persistence for several years.

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Jo-Anne Bas
10/22/2015 07:22:11 am

Well put Ann. So very proud of your determination and resolve. God bless.

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Alicia
10/22/2015 09:10:52 am

My heart aches for your family. Prayers. Prayers of healing, prayers of hope, prayers for a future where you and your sweet daughter are teaching and helping others rather than just trying to survive another hour, another day, another month, another birthday. Sending love and hugs!!!

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Donna
10/27/2015 06:17:08 pm

My goal is to join the march next year. My son was diagnosed with anorexia almost a year ago. I have also been taken hostage by the horrible illness, living in 24/7 fear and total consumption with my son's recovery. People don't understand why my life has so changed. I have even been told that I "need to get a life." Thank you for sharing and marching on behalf of all those who suffer.

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Cherie Bilby Monarch
10/30/2015 08:54:20 am

Donna - I am so sorry for what you are going through and your pain. I totally understand this. ED invades our lives and holds our children hostage. It cripples our families. You do not need to "get a life". What you need is to be surrounded by people who get it. Please join our secret facebook group MAED - Mothers AgainstED. It is 830 moms of children with eating disorders. Friend me on FB. You will no longer be alone. Hugs!

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